Ask For What You Want

There’s a great movie made many years ago called Night Shift. Henry Winkler plays the role of a guy who never asks for what he wants in life and consequently gets pushed around by his boss, his fiancée, and anyone else with a strong personality. In life, refusing to ask for what you want causes people to accept the cards they’re dealt. Accepting what is may be a starting point but when no attempt is made toward improvement, it becomes a recipe for mediocrity. That mediocrity breeds complacency, which results in mundane relationships and dead end careers.

Why do people not ask for what they want? Fear of confrontation? Fear of rejection? Not wanting to make waves? Do they just assume that things will go they way they desire without their influence?

Don’t Assume–Have you ever been in a situation where someone assumes that you will intuitively know what they want? In past relationships, I would often take heat over failing to do what my girlfriend expected me to do. While I admit that I’m not always the most thoughtful person, it would have been easier for her to simply ask for what she wanted. Stop assuming and start asking.

Set Expectations–If you manage people, you probably have expectations for them. Do you leave it to them to figure it out for themselves, or do you take the time to clearly communicate those expectations? How specific are your instructions? If you ask for what you want, you are setting expectations up front. It shortens the learning curve for new people, provides greater clarity for everyone involved, and dramatically improves efficiency.

Pick Your Spots–Accept responsibility and be reasonable. I have an acquaintance that I prefer not to dine with. She is a very picky eater. I’ve been with her on multiple occasions where she will order something without paying attention to the description on the menu. When her dinner arrives with mushrooms on her chicken entrée, despite the fact that the menu description lists mushrooms as an ingredient, she will send it back because she doesn’t like mushrooms. From my perspective, she failed to read the menu and misordered. It’s not the restaurant that should absorb it, it’s her.

Ask the Right Person–If you ask for something, make sure you are talking to the person that has the ability to deliver. When I walk into a dealership knowing the exact car I want and price I’m willing to pay, I want to speak to the manager directly because she has the authority to make the deal.

Be Persistent—If your ask is a big one, it may not be something that can be done immediately. If you believe you are entitled to a 20% raise, and your boss pushes back when you ask, don’t take that answer as never, take it as not now. Use every opportunity you have to build your case and keep pushing. When the time is right, ask again. Great salespeople understand this intuitively. They never give up, they simply come back and fight another day.

Be OK with Rejection–If you put an offer in on a house and it is immediately accepted, you might question whether you got your best price. If your first two offers are rejected and the third is accepted, you’ll probably feel that you got your best possible deal. In life, if you don’t experience rejection, you’re not pushing hard enough.

Don’t Settle–If you don’t ask for what you want you are settling for something less. Over time, resentment sets in. If your spouse doesn’t pick up after himself and you never ask him to, you just do it for him to avoid conflict, you will grow to resent him. Ask for what you want.

Be Nice—If you are nice, people are more apt to like you. If they like you, they have a greater willingness to help. Use this to your advantage. If you do right by people, they will reciprocate. What goes around comes around.

Life is short, if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re not getting your fair share of its rewards. Look across the various aspects of your life. Do you feel you are getting what you are entitled to in each area? Decide on what’s missing and ask for it. Send me your thoughts at [email protected].